Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I just had to share this.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into
a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps,Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

9 Comments:

  1. NinnerFish said...
    Best. Letter. Ever.
    Christie said...
    I am in my 1st trimester of pregnancy. Which, for me, is like "normal" PMS x 1,000. I have not laughed or smiled or done anything besides snarl and growl at people for weeks. But that letter...holy crap man....I giggled out loud from start to finish. THANK YOU dearly for the much needed laugh!
    Contrariwise said...
    :-)

    And YOU made my day with your comment. (BTW, 1st trimester is THE WORST!)
    bonnie said...
    that was awesome!!!
    thanks for sharing that.
    Bonny said...
    thank you for your kind words on my blog! I must say I picked a killer day to check yours out - I laughed so hard that people walked by my desk just to see what was so funny!

    Thanks much for sharing - great letter!
    Margaret said...
    SO FUNNY. I've hated that slogan too! Fortunately I'm a divacup girl now, so my wings days are over.
    Stereoette said...
    can i just give this an "amen, sister?"

    seriously. you want me to have a happy period? then i expect you to have a happy my-sneaker-up-your-hind-end.

    just sayin'.
    callalilly said...
    Everytime I see that commercial I say the same thing -- "Some man must have written that. Have a happy period? F**k you!" Thank you for writing what I've always felt about that insipid commercial. Maybe those morons will finally realize just how stupid -- and condescending -- their slogan really is. If not, I wish them a visit from Aunt Flo!
    Sharlotte said...
    You are talking about Complaint Letters. That is quite an important issue. These letters are the weapon of the customers, since the telephone talk can not be witnessed; a letter is an evidence of your dissatisfaction. Many people though do not know how to write them correctly. Personally I learned how to write these letters from www.pissedconsumer.com. Here you can find out the tips which make complaint letters work.

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